i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Sober January is a disaster.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
