I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
