His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
