Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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