you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
