I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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