i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my shit smells like andre
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
