when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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