I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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