you're like a bully in the Christmas story
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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