so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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