there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
