Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
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My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
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Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
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