dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
