I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
