We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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