I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
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I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
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I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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