I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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