good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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