Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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