So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
