You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
