would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
