he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize