there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
