I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
