the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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