Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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