If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
