oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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