You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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