I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
