I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
