Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
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Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
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I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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