My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
