We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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