she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
