just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
