Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i just sent this text using only my big toe
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
