I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
zippers are such a cool invention
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
