Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
