so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
