I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Randomize
