My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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