In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
are you so shy because you have an std?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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