The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
