Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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