: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
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I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
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You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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