were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
