I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
