So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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