For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
