When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
