just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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