no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
