It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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