I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
