god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
