in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize