The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
