You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
