she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
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Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
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Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?