Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.