she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
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Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
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I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on