the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way