i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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