So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He literally asked permission to hit on me
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
