So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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