He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?