i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd