Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.