I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
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You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
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I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?