I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
