Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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